httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzV8lxdKyAI

“You don’t have to go looking for love when it is where you come from.” – Werner Erhard

Author Helena Andrews is soon to put out a new book entitled ‘Bitch is the new black’. The book is made up of a collection of essays which take a satirical look at the issues that successful black women face in the dating world. Last week the Washington Post ran an article entitled ‘Single, Black and Lonely‘ which contained an interview with Andrews in which she asked why it is that so many black women with Ivy League degrees and other status symbols are single.

I’ve written about this before and my position is still the same. One of the most fundamental things missing in this discussion is responsibility. Women – we are not victims!! It’s time for us to own that we create our own experience of life. It’s time for us to fully be conscious of, and own, the words that come out of our mouths and the thoughts in our head. It’s time for us to be the master of own ships, by mastering our internal world as well as we have done, and continue to do, our external one. Here is a quote which I love on responsibility:

Responsibility begins with the willingness to be cause in the matter of one’s life. Ultimately, it is a context from which one chooses to live. Responsibility is not burden, fault, praise, blame, credit, shame or guilt. In responsibility, there is no evaluation of good or bad, right or wrong. There is simply what’s so, and your stand. Being responsible starts with the willingness to deal with a situation from the view of life that you are the generator of what you do, what you have and what you are. That’s not the truth. It is a place to stand. No one can make you responsible, nor can you impose responsibility on another. It is a grace that you give yourself – an empowering context that leaves you cause in the matter of life. – W Erhard

If there’s a pattern of meeting/dating unsuitable men, there is only one common denominator: you. It’s not about the guys. It’s about what you believe about yourself and about men, and once you own that, see it, shift those beliefs and create new and empowering ones, things will be very different

Life is like a big play. As we go along, we write a script which contains different roles for different characters, including ourselves, and we fit the people who come into our lives into those roles. Unfortunately, most of us seem to forget that we created our own script. Luckily, though, the beauty of life is that your external reality fully mirrors your internal one, so you can tell what script you’ve written by paying attention to the words you say and by looking at what and who shows up in your life. If your conversations go along the lines of “there aren’t any good men out there/men are x, y or z/men are either gay/married/in jail/uneducated” and so on, it should not be a surprise when your experience fits those words.

We also need to shift what we believe relationships to be for and about. It seems that they have taken on a very self-orientated bent and have become about what we can get, what someone has to give and what they can do for us. I often hear women say ‘well I’ve got a job/money/a degree, so what is a man going to give me?’ That completely misses the point of what relationships are for, makes men into utilities rather than human beings with their own needs, feelings, thoughts and emotions and sets us up for disappointment since nobody can give us anything anyway. We assume that a degree is somehow related to our emotional maturity or readiness for a relationship, when the two have nothing to do with each other. Relationship is about sharing and giving, and if it’s not that, our relationship scripts need some re-examination.

And goodness help the man who isn’t exactly what we want them to be! I used to engage in conversations in which I’d complain that someone did x or y – until I realized that it was as ludicrous as getting upset with a cat not being a dog.

Of course, the idea of giving fully and sharing ourselves can be scary…We’re afraid of getting hurt and of being taken advantage of. And that’s understandable. It can also be very limiting. As we carry our memories of our past experiences around like a huge trunk on our backs, in the attempt to avoid such upsets happening again, we bring all that past with us into every new situation. Not much can be created with a new person when the slate marked ‘relationship’ is already full of the past. But if we can be responsible for our experience, we can also be responsible for the meanings we have attached to our past experiences.

This woman-as-victim in dating idea is becoming increasingly common, and it does nothing except leave women feeling powerless. All we need is to take full ownership of our experience, and even if we’re still single, we’ll be happily single, not sad and lonely like the women in Helena Andrews’ book.

I’ve also recently joined the collective of talented female writers at The F Word, a British feminist blog. There’s an engaged, intelligent, thoughtful and active community there so it’s stimulating as a writer to write for them.

To be honest, I had never really considered myself a ‘feminist’ as such. I’ve just always believed, without labelling it, in the power of a woman. In any case, I have always considered being black as more significant than being a woman. However, our world is still very gendered and there is definitely a unique intersection between being black and a woman. It’s not like I can choose one or the other.

Furthermore, the feminist space is still considered very much the domain of white, middle class women so I think it’s important to have other voices in there although I have not really talked about the black female experience as yet.

Here are some recent pieces for your enjoyment:

The Western woman’s body is still subject to regulation

Feminism doesn’t mean tying women to their careers

Women’s preference for curves is nothing to be happy about

African-American women are disproportionately more likely to have an abortion than any other racial group. While abortion among white women constitutes around 10 in 1000 cases, with black women it’s around 50 in 1000.

With centres like Planned Parenthood moving into urban areas and focusing more on African-Americans, some have claimed that this is a form of ethnic cleansing or genocide and that abortion is being touted as just another service for black people, just like going to the corner store. The National Pro Black Life Union believes that abortion is a form of racism.

I find that argument somewhat disingenous and can’t agree. Since there is often a higher rate of unplanned pregnancy among low-income and less well educated women it would seem wrong if groups like Planned Pregnancy avoided going into inner city, urban areas.

I’m also not sure that bringing lots more unwanted black children into the world is a good thing. There are already many floating in and out of foster care and waiting to be adopted.

Again, I see education and information (which then hopefully lead to financial empowerment, since poverty is also a key indicator of abortion rates) as the keys to preventing abortion. Maybe there needs to be a great deal more of this targetted at black women.

What to make of Sarah Palin’s speech?

Well, you know, it wasn’t badly delivered… but it doesn’t take a genius to read from an auto-cue. Ok, so she attacked Obama, talked about McCain being a POW (a lot) and then attacked Obama again. Oh, and she talked about her family.

She was combative, sarcastic, snarling (I didn’t like that face) and direct – typical Republican really. She followed on nicely from Giuliani’s similar nasty speech. (Did anyone notice that Giuliani, a man who lives in a million dollar townhouse in NY, was still trying to paint Obama as an elitist?!)

So what didn’t Palin say? Well, everything really. Apart from talking about energy, I didn’t hear a mention of a policy. I didn’t hear about her stance on any of the major issues currently facing America (oh, ok she talked a a little about oil and gas) – you know, the messed up economy, the impending recession, foreclosures, Iraq…There was no substance whatsoever. None. What exactly will Palin and McCain do if they are to be in power?? Does anyone actually know?!

I did hear that going to PTA meetings somehow qualifies her to do the job of a VP. If I’d known that was such an important part of qualifying for the position, I would have encouraged my mum to go for a VP position a long time ago. By the way, my mum owns her own business (executive experience) and has a very high approval rating. 

Palin lied – yes lied – about the Bridge to Nowhere. And her claims about bringing down unnecessary spending seemed at odds with the reports that she currently has $31million of federal funds earmarked for Alaska (population of around 7,000)…

And somehow she managed to very conveniently forget that the governing party of the past 8 years, the party that has mismanaged the country, has been…um… the Republican party. 

All I’ve learned is that the Republicans are serious about electioneering, but not serious about the good of the country. 

And – can someone please, please tell me what John McCain done anything else except be a Prisoner of War? Neither him nor his people seem to know…

This week there have been a number of paparazzi photos of Serena Williams in a bikini, taken while she was on holiday with her boyfriend.

Personally I think she looks great, but can somebody please tell me why, when images of healthy, strong woman are in the public domain, the media has to be so negative? But when there are pictures of stick thin, eating-disordered ‘women’ they are praised and revered?

Why should terms like “bulky thighs”, “chunky arms” and ”thunder thighs” be used to describe Serena Williams? Why can’t we just accept that women come in all shapes and sizes? Not all black women look like Naomi Campbell, just as not all white women look like Kate Moss.

It’s sad that society’s perception of women’s body has become so distorted that a normal female figure (and let’s face it, she’s an athlete so her body is definitely a lot healthier, more toned and stronger than the average person) is treated with such disdain.